I want my sons to compete and win. I want them to kick ass at whatever they do. I know that my encouragement plays a crucial role in motivating them to pursue that success. What I hadn't considered, however, was the effect that my praise would have in the event that my kid loses.

In podcast #99 of The Good Dad Project, guest Larry Yacht talks about a study where researches asked kids to put together a puzzle. When the kid brought the completed puzzle to the researcher, half of them were told, "Wow, good job. You must be smart!" while the other half were told, "Wow, good job. You must have worked hard!" Once all the kids were done, the researchers offered them a choice of two new puzzles, one very simple and the other more complex. The kids that were praised for their smarts selected the simple puzzle and the kids that were praised for their hard work chose the complex puzzle.

The conclusion of this study was that the kids who were praised for their intelligence looked for ways to demonstrate that intelligence and to avoid situations that might put their intelligence at risk. Failing to complete the complex puzzle would mean that maybe they weren't smart after all.

The other group of kids that were praised for their hard work sought to further demonstrate that hard work by taking on more challenging tasks. Whether they succeeded or failed in that task, they still got the reward of praise for having tried something more challenging that required hard work.