Praise Effort

I want my sons to compete and win. I want them to kick ass at whatever they do. I know that my encouragement plays a crucial role in motivating them to pursue that success. What I hadn't considered, however, was the effect that my praise would have in the event that my kid loses.

In podcast #99 of The Good Dad Project, guest Larry Yacht talks about a study where researches asked kids to put together a puzzle. When the kid brought the completed puzzle to the researcher, half of them were told, "Wow, good job. You must be smart!" while the other half were told, "Wow, good job. You must have worked hard!" Once all the kids were done, the researchers offered them a choice of two new puzzles, one very simple and the other more complex. The kids that were praised for their smarts selected the simple puzzle and the kids that were praised for their hard work chose the complex puzzle.

The conclusion of this study was that the kids who were praised for their intelligence looked for ways to demonstrate that intelligence and to avoid situations that might put their intelligence at risk. Failing to complete the complex puzzle would mean that maybe they weren't smart after all.

The other group of kids that were praised for their hard work sought to further demonstrate that hard work by taking on more challenging tasks. Whether they succeeded or failed in that task, they still got the reward of praise for having tried something more challenging that required hard work.

I know this may sound very touchy-feely and like I'm advocating that we don't keep score and just let the kids play the game, have fun, and give everyone a trophy. That's how I felt about it at first too. But as I listened to Larry talk more about it, I began to see the wisdom of what he was saying.

If, when a kid wins or is successful, we praise him for his intelligence or strength or inherent ability, we're telling him that he succeeded because of those things. When he fails or loses, his mind is going to connect that loss with a lack of those characteristics and he'll be discouraged from trying again and risking further degrading those characteristics in himself.

If, instead, we praise his effort whether or not he's successful, we're connecting the reward of our approval with having worked hard. This will encourage him to keep working hard and getting better. This pursuit of hard work and self-improvement will naturally lead to success in whatever he's trying to accomplish.

I'm not suggesting that we should tell our sons that winning or losing isn't important. The desire to win and be the best is the reason that we compete. It feels good when you win and it sucks when you get beaten.

To be and stay a winner, however, you have to work hard. You have to keep trying and getting better. If we can cultivate that mindset in our sons, then we're setting them up for success.

Celebrate their success. Share their disappointment with failure. In either case, praise their effort and you'll be motivating them to get back after it.